I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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