Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
