Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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