Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Gay?
German.
Pity.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize