The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
