my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
