My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So much rum. So many feels.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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