Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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