My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Randomize
