IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
