Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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