you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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