He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
