I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Bring me that man meat
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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