it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
