It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You left your phone here
Wait...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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