His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
