respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
