you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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