I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
