It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
