i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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