so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
