my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
