i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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