I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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