My friends, they love my intelligence
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Hippo gnu deer
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
