so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
