Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
