I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
