It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
