just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Found your dick twin last night
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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