I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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