Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
