We're like a lot better than the average bears
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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