Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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