Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
