I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
