My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
