yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You ate ashes out of my bong
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
