She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He shit in the fireplace
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
