Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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