Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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