I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
