I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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