I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
