No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
