You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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