Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
