I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
