My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
