I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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