Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
