I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
false alarm, still single
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
