I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
