i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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