his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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